just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
she told me i tasted like america
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
