Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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