I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
