he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
