Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
