My room smells like vodka and shame
My Higher Power is John Stamos
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
