I'm so fucking centered right now
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
