Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
