Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
