Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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