I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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