my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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