So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
