i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
