i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
