Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I checked into jail on foursquare
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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