Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I want her autograph on my taint
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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