Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
