Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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