I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
