I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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