She's JV to your varsity
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
