Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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