Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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