Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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