stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
