My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
