Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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