Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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