my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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