burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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