Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
