If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
