I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
