is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
