Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
