batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
