A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
