I met the friendliest cop last night
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
