I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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