i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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