i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
