I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
