I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
