hotel room ftw
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
you will always have a special place in my vag
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
