If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
