so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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