We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
