Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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