Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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