I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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