What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Randomize
